Sunday, April 24, 2011

Good Friday

When I originally started this blog, just about a month ago, I intended it to be a place I would share not only desserts, but also tid bits of my life.  Interestingly, in the last month I have become more distant in sharing my feelings and thoughts with those around me.  In many cases, justifiably so.  But I'm going to try to be more open anyway.

As the name insinuates, Lost and Searching for Dessert, I'm in search for some answers.  Mostly, I've been searching lately for answers on what I should be when I grow up.  I thought I knew.  About a year ago I thought I had it all figured out.  Even as recently as January, I had it all figured out.  After all, I'm 28 years old.  I've been going to school for years.  I'd chosen a prestigious career.  A career that would give me notoriety, respect, and leave me an expert in my field.  I would have the privilege of naming my discoveries and authoring several, hopefully many, papers in my field of science.  It would be a career full of pride and self-love.  Something most of us want.

However, this career has always been my back up plan.  It's not really what I had longed to do.  Originally, I had wanted to be a doctor, a cardiologist or a neonatologist.  Unfortunately, a series of poor decisions on my part and treacherous conditions presented to me made that dream impossible.  So, being a Christian, I prayed about what to do.  I asked the door I should walk through to open.  The road to this career was the only thing that opened.  Naturally, I jumped at it.  I loved it at first for so many reasons. 

Like a mirage of a lush oasis, those reasons have revealed themselves to be nothing more than parched sandy dunes.  My creative desires, my passion for medical science, have both be tugging on my heart strings.  While I've been evaluating what to do I've revealed some of my thoughts of both sides of the argument to friends and family.  The responses have been shocking, depressing, and out right disrespectful.

Several friends have told me exactly what to do, apparently thinking to know me better than myself.  That's been painful because it has shown me how little they actually know of me and my passions.  Obviously, I haven't done a good job of truly representing myself.  Furthermore, my lifestyle changes have gone completely unnoticed by some of these individuals.  I keep finding throughout my personality changes in life that my past just won't die.  "You hate (insert research, baking, working, hospitals, people, etc. here).  So you should be (insert scientist, business woman, baker, stay at home mom, physician assistant, nurse practitioner, etc. here)."  Worse than that are the people that tell me I'm a fool for even contemplating following my dreams.  I'm throwing away my future, my degree, my life.  I'm blinded by faith.  I'm an idiot.  I obviously am not an expert in my field and I don't know what science is, they've said.  When I've offered to explain or show my evidences, I'm cut off.  The slander begins all over.  The lack of respect begins all over.

This weekend has been especially difficult and depressing.  It's hard to see the light in all this darkness.  I'm destraught about doing what I feel God is telling me to do, what He is not telling me to do, and about making a choice without my pride getting in the way.  And as I sat in church this weekend feeling sorry for myself and more confused than ever, I heard a women say, "You have to go through the sorrow, pain and despair of Good Friday before you can experience the joy of the Resurrection."  Wow.  Maybe this is my Good Friday?  It gave me hope.  That combined with some delicate vanilla cake and sugar cookies, gave that blip of bliss to help me soldier on one more week.
Lemon, Vanilla, and Chocolate Sugar Cookies
Vanilla Vertical Cake with Red and Aqua Hydrangea Flowers

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